More often than not my blog posts are rantings, slowly I am learning that it doesn't matter and if this is what works for me I should just go ahead and keep doing that because forming the crap in my head into pretty little stories and anecdotes clearly doesn't work for me... I have too much so slow the stream of what is about to flow out so bear with me or don't... doesn't matter to me.
Thank-you for having a few drinks which gave you the courage to call me, to ask and accuse me about things that are frankly none of your business. At one point what my mother did might have been some of your concern but at this point it is really NONE of your business. What I do in MY house is also not really any of your concern. I get it you care about me and don't want me to get hurt...but I am not going to be hurt because I know how to say NO when I am asked for something I cannot give. I know when you call after a drink or 2 and I don't like it now anymore than I did when I was only 15. It makes me uncomfortable that you think you have control that I can feel you don't.
I feel nearly paralyzed by the realization that Michael is allergic to Soy products because although I don't knowingly use much of it in anything it's hidden in everything...I mean everything...glance at a few 'kid friend'y' snacks and see how I am learning to limit and remove stuff. Granola bars, breads, sauces, dressings, fast foods, ice creams, and that is only what I can think of off the top of my head not including actual soy things instead of just things that have it hidden in them.
In friendship you only get out what you put in, I used to be amazing at this and right now I suck, a little pick me up from a friend might help but since I haven't been there for any of my friends why would they be here for me when I should probably just pull up my bootstraps and get on with life.
I am thinking about someone, who shouldn't get all that time from me...unrequited imaginary feelings. UGH how very childish.
I used to have my shit together and now I don't feel like anything is under control, just keep swimming because who knows what would happen if I stopped.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
a birthday like no other
I had a birthday just a few days ago, not a big or especially significant number, just another one really.
Even though I say I don't want anything, and I don't need anything, because that's true I really DON'T want certain things.
I don't want to have to clean up barf on my birthday.
I don't want to be without my Christopher on my birthday, because it's his birthday too after all.
I don't want to make supper.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want NO presents at all.
I DO want people to say Happy Birthday to me, I even want certain people to say it so that I can feel special.
It's a big long story that I thought I was ready to tell but right now the thought of going into it makes me feel like crying again so I guess I am going to skip it, because I'd rather not be upset.
The short version is that the people who care really cared, the people who don't care don't matter and I'm a bit more of a brat than I should be for my age.
Even though I say I don't want anything, and I don't need anything, because that's true I really DON'T want certain things.
I don't want to have to clean up barf on my birthday.
I don't want to be without my Christopher on my birthday, because it's his birthday too after all.
I don't want to make supper.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want NO presents at all.
I DO want people to say Happy Birthday to me, I even want certain people to say it so that I can feel special.
It's a big long story that I thought I was ready to tell but right now the thought of going into it makes me feel like crying again so I guess I am going to skip it, because I'd rather not be upset.
The short version is that the people who care really cared, the people who don't care don't matter and I'm a bit more of a brat than I should be for my age.
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