All the things

All the things in my head that I can't say out loud.

Spent too much time chasing the whisper of your ghost, thinking something was there.

Need to regroup. Need to stop just saying it and do I with meaning. What will this mean?

Good bye ghost, honest truth is I will miss you and mourn you all over again. Why am I so hard on myself? 

I Have only one who knows only one I can tell, it should be you but it isn't which makes it harder.

I know that if I have any readers this won't make sense and will seem deep and dramatic but that's not it, so if you are out there don't worry about the circles that I'm talking in, they are only words swimming out of my head.

Today is the day

I applied for a new job at my same place of employment and I got it, about a month ago. It starts today. I am nervous that I won't be as awesome as I promised them I would be. I have been awake since 4:30am no longer able to sleep.
That's the short of it. Here's the slightly longer version-
The people in my life that should support me and be happy for me are, for the most part, there are 2 people in particular that either did not congratulate me or did not support me in my move to this other department. It hurt a little bit to see these true colours from these people. For the person who didn't congratulate me, I'm so glad to be over you and our phoney attempt at friendship. I don't care if you think this job would suck I plan on making the very best of it, until it proves me otherwise, this is a move up for me since I will not be getting laid off for 2months at a time and as a bonus there are more health benefits which go a long way for me. For the person who didn't think I could be the victor out of 6 applicants- remember I am awesome that's why they picked me, I also heard that you think I will be disappointed when I don't get the vacation days I want, I don't have any vacations planned, my departments quiet time is your departments busy time and my vacation days are now paid days not just missing days. I think I'll survive being the low man for a little while as long as I don't get laid off. So there to both of you! My real friends and my family are happy and excited because I am happy and excited!

Changes

Some changes have happened and there are more on their way. I have a hard time with change, especially the kind that I didn't knowingly choose...you know the kind that I just have to accept weather I like it or not.
I am irritated with just about everything these days, people talking, stupid useless shit they say, I mean just shut up already!
I am sick of peoples falsehoods, telling me that they'll call when I know they won't, it's like a lie to yourself and those around you to make yourself feel good about leaving you behind.
I need to regroup and focus on me, my family and me.
The weight of a secret that cannot be shared is a burden I didn't wish for.
The light and fluffy start I was going for on this post is long gone and lately it always seems to come back to the same thing...How do I get this out of my head?!?

I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

It hurts me that you couldn't just tell me and I had to figure it out on my own, and I will get told when everyone else gets told. So much for being something special with you.

This won't make sense to anyone but me.
I wish I was wrong sometimes.
I wish I wasn't so smart.
I wish I didn't figure things out when I'm not supposed to know them.
I wish I cared about stuff and people just a little less so it didn't hurt so bad.
I wish I could be blissfully ambivalent.
I wish I was better at being happy for others, even when it's sad for me.
I wish my New Year hadn't started with this revelation about you, because now I've go to keep it in. There is no one to share this with and it's not my secret to tell but now it's mine to keep.

Friends

I only ever wanted to be your friend. I thought we got along. Although we had next to nothing in common I wanted to be around you, I want your happiness. We went somewhere on an adventure to a place I had never been. For you it got weird, I took it for what it was, the connection I craved. I hope we can be close when I see you next, I want you to confide in me. I feel like maybe I could help carry your load when it gets heavy.
Why should these things be impossible to say out loud to your face? I want to live in a world where it's ok to be honest about feelings of friendship without the awkwardness.
Le sigh.

Sparkle

I wish my hair didn't have so much sparkle in it. I never really thought it would bother me this much, but it does. Sparkle=Grey.